Anxiety Attack 2

Today, a friend shared an article on Facebook. It was about Brad Pitt and his wife, Angelina Jolie. The article says Brad Pitt was on the verge of divorcing this woman because she was not herself anymore. She gets constantly nervous and was always crying. She is not happy, suffers from headaches, heart pains and jammed nerves.

That sounded exactly like an anxiety attack. And suddenly, I begin to know how she felt.

And Brad Pitt did his love for her by showering Angelina Jolie with all the love he can, flowers, kisses and compliments. She regained and became a better woman than before. I don’t know how true this is but I know exactly what she was going through.

I am still recovering from what was the shock of my life. I went bonkers and berserk the other day. I screamed, cried, shivered and my eyes fall to daze. I had no directions and I don’t know what to do. I became frightened at every single movement and I imagined things that were not like they were. I pinched myself. I mumbled insults at myself before I can fall asleep.

My lips were constantly dry. I am afraid of mr. bambam leaving me. I tensed up at every ring of his phone and I was fearful of interacting with people, especially my family and friends.

In any other case, as a man, most would have left or brush away the situation and ignore the woman. I don’t know why mr. bambam didn’t scold me for being silly like before. I think he knew I was at the edge, unlike how I used to be. I am totally not myself.

He saw through my eyes how scared I am. The “me” that used to be fearless was hiding far, far behind. I don’t know where I had hidden myself too as well.

mr. bambam held my hand tightly, assuring me that things are well. He told me that there was nothing to be worried about. He pats me to sleep. Worried that I am having nightmares, he slept beside my bed every night. He constantly checks on me and calms me down when I’m frowning as I sleep.

I was like a child, terrified of the world. I am tensed and grabs mr. bambam tightly no matter where we went to. He was no Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt is rich, but mr. bambam still has a job and works night shift to earn more for our future.

Yet, mr. bambam had to console and endure my craziness. I have no idea how he dealt with me. He is such a strong and wonderful man. Concerned, he took me to doctors to make me better. Before each consultation with the different doctors, he offered to go in first. I don’t know what he told the doctors but I felt at ease with him doing so. The western doctor I see asked me “What happened?” I didn’t know as well and helplessly, I cried. Big droplets of tears just flow down my cheeks. I couldn’t control myself.

mr. bambam had to hug me tight and tell me not to worried. Every time he saw me under pressure, he just kept quiet and held me close. Before leaving for work, he made sure I am relaxed and comfortable.

I know mr. bambam is tired. He said softly to me he wishes a speedy recovery for me but yet, he continues to care about me relentlessly. Knowing that visiting our new neighbour’s place will bring me joy, he accompanied me to do so despite him hating to interact with new people.

I am like a spoilt child, showered with love. After my medical leave, on my first day to work, he took the train all the way to Habourfront with me, just to make sure I reached my office safely. When work has ended, he carries an umbrella amidst the heavy rain to ferry me home. Then he helps with the cooking and dinner is served. After a busy day caring for me, he then had to work night shift to answer ridiculous calls from strangers and endures being yelled at.

I have to get well soon. I really have too.

I know I am still afraid. My neck is constantly strained and I am on high alert of people. I get frighten still by small movements people make. When I see crowds, I grab my arms tightly.

But I know this cannot stay. I need to be well. I need to be strong.

I have a man, better than Brad Pitt. We may not be as wealthy as they are but the love mr. bambam had for me, definitely wins all the man on earth.

What did I do to deserve such a guy?

He’s too perfect.

To make me happier, he had booked tickets for us to travel to Taiwan. It’s our first flight together. Our first, flying across the earth, trip.

So, please, little girl in me, please get well. Please do not be so stressed and tensed anymore. You are a grown up, a woman so do not be beaten down by little obstacles in life.

I wish you well, please recover soon.

Anxiety Attack

I wasn’t happy 6 months ago. About the wedding.

6 months later, I had an anxiety attack. And from this incident, I get to know how wonderful mr. bambam is to me. He is patient, kind, understanding and soft.  The list can goes on and on about what an amazing man he is to me.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I had been having nightmares since last Friday. To be honest, I am so ashamed and fearful of everything – I pinched myself. Ouuch? In fact, I don’t feel any pain although the bruises look extremely scary. It was red, black, dark, rounded and around my arms.

I thought I was fine. I really thought I was.

What exactly happened? I’m really not sure. Friday night just went by and I couldn’t sleep. I think of myself being a bad person, ugly and shameless. I thought of reasons mr. bambam may not want me and there is another lady out there that deserves him so much. I can’t take it imagining that, I pinched and cried myself to sleep. Hopefully, I am able to fall asleep but I really can’t. I don’t know why. I dazed, I look at the mirror and I cried and cried.

There’s a tiny voice in my head keep repeating insults at me.

I can’t ignore.

I know I am still not myself yet. I cringed when walking in crowds. I held mr. bambam’s hand so tight he felt he is being squeezed. I can’t relax myself. I cried when the doctor asked me how am I. I cried when I am going to sleep. I clenched my fists every night since.

Please, take me away from this misery.